mikeg's blog

It's my fault really - a year ago I thought about cheating. I thought about it a lot... talked to guys on line about it, made plans to meet up then bailed every time... wasn't sure why I couldnt go through with it, but every time I wanted to I thought of Dave, and that stopped me. I bought him an iPod... one of the first nanos. Engraved it: "I will always love you, Mister Rowr." Rowr.. my name for him, the first person I ever called that. My reason for being and the one good thing that had entered my life. Then he saw the emails, and it broke him... he said he forgave me eventually, but I dont think he ever did. I wouldnt have, so I cant blame him... We stuck through it... thought we were OK but now I know better. He lost his feelings for me that day. Lied to me that he still had them; I let myself believe it too. And I was faithful, even put aside chatting online. I realized how much he meant to me when I almost lost him. Then his cousin Sammy tried to kill herself. I was freaked. He was freaked. He went to her... then he went out after the hospital thing... clubbing with his other cousin and his fiancee. He found another boy. Better than me? Probably... He tells me it's over... he tells me he still wants me here... I dont know if he means it or if he's being nice... I dont know if he wants me as a friend or as more... I dont know if I should be here.... I know only one thing for sure - I meant those words that I had engraved on the back of that midnight black nano. I still mean them. I will always love you, Mister Rowr. I will always love you, David.